College is Phun pt. 1

In response to the question of: “It is ten years from now. You are on trial for murder and the judge asks you why you did it. Why did you?” for an application for the Mallet Honors Society at UA I responded:

Stenographer's Report: 12/15/04

"Mr. Grayson, you are about to be sentenced for the murder of Kenneth Friar. We've seen and heard testimony from your family and friends as well as those belonging to the victim. Quite frankly we all know you offed him. So stop trying to hide it. The only thing that actually is on everyone that is present's mind is, "Why?" . Why did you kill this innocent man Mr. Grayson? Why in the quiet of night on October 31, did you take a sledgehammer and brutally hit Mr. Friar's brand new 2005 Lexus and proceed to tickle him until he ceased to breathe from the exhaustion of laughing so hard that his sides literally burst? Why did you, in cold blood, take life from another human being?"

"First off, were you there? No. You weren't. So basically you don't even know what you're talking about, you self-righteous chess piece of this so called 'blind' justice system that the President and all of his cronies hide behind... Anyway, so you all really want to know why I did it? By the way, I DID DO IT. I'd do it again. HE MADE ME SO MAD... none of you understand how, how angry. He just, he shouldn't have done what he did you know? It was one of those few times in history where someone actually crossed a line that was deep in the sand...that he knew was there, one of those times that you know you have to do something about the piece of [expletive] standing in front of you people actually call a human being and wipe it off the face of the planet so that no one else has to deal with what you just dealt with. I felt very much like Mel Gibson did in that movie The Patriot when he killed that British guy at the end of the movie. Anyway, he had no right to insult me like that. Did he understand how much I had prepared for this? How long I had worked and saved and how all of that finally added up to what was supposed to be the most glorious night of my life? I never get any attention! NEVER! No one ever talks to me around the office. Sure I'm quiet, but that's no excuse for the way they all look at me every day. Like, like I'm something different from them, like I'm not made from the same hate, the same, black that they are. Like I said before no one understands what's going on here. No one. But at the party that night, the party that I had worked so hard to make a good impression at, to gain a little positive attention, a rebirth, if you will, of myself in the eyes of my associates,...he ruined it. How dare him to be the final vote on the costume contest! I was one vote away! ONE VOTE!!! I was one vote away from the glory of eternally having my name written on the annual company Halloween Costume Contest plaque. I MEAN COME ON! How is a flawless recreation of the Gettysburg Address "not a very original costume."? I wasn't someONE. I was a (expletive) event in history. I was a lot of people...at the same (expletive) time. BUT NO. Instead he picks that whore across from his desk that he can't take his eyes off of. She didn't need this! I did! And...

"That is quite enough Mr. Grayson. That is quite enough. Not only has your story completely and utterly ruined your case, and found you out to be a very sad and angry man, with many, many, problems to work out,...

it has also tugged at the strings of my heart in a way that I have never felt. You're right, that harlot didn't need that plaque. You did. And I'm not going to put you in jail for the want of love. The last time I checked wanting to be loved and appreciated wasn't against the law. I..."

(Stupid face lawyer interjects:)

"But your honor, he also killed someone and that is..."

"Shut up stupid. I'll be the judge of what is and isn't murder here. Mr. Grayson simply tickled Mr. Friar. And people tickle other people all the time. How was he to know that this would kill Mr. Friar?"

(Again, Stupid Face Lawyer:)

"But your honor he...wait, why do you keep saying he tickled him? Mr. Friar was found with stab wounds in his forehead and abdomen...what are you...."

"Do you have pictures of this?"

"Well yes, they're..."

"Then you don't have a case. No pictures no case."

"But I just said that I do..."

"Mr. Grayson, as I was saying, you make me proud to be a part of this justice system. It takes a lot of guts, moxy even, to admit that you have maliciously killed someone, especially in the high pressure situation that a court room can create. The only experience I have with that is that one time I got really drunk and stripped naked and ran into the middle of Sleepless in Seattle when it was in theaters and my friends, who followed me in wanted me to give a speech. Needless to say, it wasn't the most eloquent or prestigious of rhetorical exercises, but instead of throwing me out, the theater employees gave me a free popcorn and coke because they thought it was so freakin ballsy. But that's beside the point. I like you and I like your moxy. So I'm gonna give you your free popcorn and coke and let you off the hook. You know, I think you are the first person I think that I have actually helped since I got this job? Ha. Kids. Why are we prolonging this? You're free to go Mr. Grayson. Go be loved. Case dismissed!"

[gavel slam...loud...reasonably anyway]

[SFL(Stupid Face Lawyer)]

"This is ridiculous! This is an outrage! This is...really dumb! Have you lost your mind your honor? You're letting him go free?!! Because his psychological issues remind you of your tale of drunken stupidness? You don't have any grounds. You don't..."

"And you don't have a job any more. You're fired."

[SFL]

"What? I'm pretty sure you can't make that decision. I have my own practice. Plus, I have other people that I answer..."

"Well I bet your daddy can..."

[SFL]

"Wh...that..."

"What's that loser? What are you trying to say? You gonna cry? You gonna cry like a little baby?"

[SFL]

"You...popcorn...it's...I'm... leaving."

(singing)
"Who's the man? I da man! Who's the man? I da man! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh! TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT TO THE RIGHT TO THE...."

Report suspended due to lack of necessity.
But trust me, what happened after that was pretty pathetic.