So I Told Myself, "For The Next 79 Miles, I'm Going To Listen To Songs That Make Me Sad."

Today was the day.

Around 6:30 p.m. today, I looked at my room in a way that I have never looked at it before...

As something that wasn't really "mine" anymore.

Now, it was merely something that I would visit every 3 weeks to a month. A less than frequent aquaintance that I would only make if I felt like the drive or if class schedules and this new "college life" would permit me to take the time to see. It wasn't completely bare. But it felt raped.

I've never so reluctantly closed a door in all my life.
(Metaphorically and non-metaphorically.)

The house looked different as I backed out of the yard. I guess the sight of it seemed blurrier or something. Like it was passing by really quickly. Like, as hard as I tried, I couldn't focus my eyes on it's imaginary movement or make it just stop and stand still for a minute in it's familliar place on the property. And this wasn't the worst of it.

I officially got nervous, friday night. Started freaking out about all the stuff that would happen within the next 48 hours or so. You know, reaching maturity and all. Finally getting to that point in your life where you are "fully capable" of fending for yourself. That point that you don't need security in the form of a familiar bed or lightswitch to get by in the world. Survive in the world. Anyway long story short, I didn't let this scare me til I absolutely had to. Now I'm terrified.But anxious at the same time to see if I'm ready...I so don't want to be ready.

Ten minutes later I'm on 231 heading north to Tuscaloosa. Taking Back Sunday is blaring in my car. I'm hoping to get lost in this album. I do. But find myself in the middle of a bunch of, then and at the time, frightening memories.

I'm screaming the words now at the top of my lungs. Identifying with almost every word, or remembering what it was like to identify with some. Nonetheless, it's doing the job of occupying my mind...
"This is what living like this does,
This is what living like this does,
This is what living like this does,
This is what living like this does,
This is what living like this Does."

The final TBS song ends (Head Club if you were wondering) and I realize I'm in Troy. Following this will be Motion City Soundtrack and Brand New's Your Favorite Weapon. MCS makes me smile, but not the way that the first measures of Brand New's The Shower Scene does. That's always been hard to describe.The way that their music makes me feel. It just makes me feel like I'm gonna make it.

The miles begin to just kind of start running into each other and I'm actually forgetting how to read the gauge that tells you how much gas is in your vehicle. I can see it's not at the bottom of anything and that's reassuring...but that's how guessing with familiars goes.

I'm not driving how I normally do. I feel really out of place and like I'm seeing in tunnel vision. (My possessions are surrounding me.) The driver of this new Lexus is growing tired of my indecisiveness and decides to switch lanes so he can hurry off to continue the fast track he's gotten used to. But that wasn't fair anyway. I just found out that I have to start building my own track. I'm just glad he's out from behind me. Jerk had his brights on.

Seventy X 7 comes on and I remember that Wedensday before Junior Prom.(Do you remember Nick?) Sitting outside of Robby's house in the Marquis with the stereo pounding...
"I can't
let you.
let me down again.
I can't
let you.
let me down again."

Shortly thereafter Soco Ameretto Lime starts up. And now I forget where I am.
"Just jealous cause we're young and in love. You're just jealous..."

Then,
Pizza Hut Pizza tastes gOOd.

Happy trails. Memories all over them.

If anything this day has made me want to do anything I can to stay a child and not a man. Funny thing is, I don't evern know the severity of that statement, let alone what the heck it means. I just know that Tuscaloosa might as well be across the country from Dale County Rd. 63.

We enter town. Check in at the hotel. Ughh. Temporary sleep depots. I walk in and feel the fakeness of an imposter home decor. Sleep won't come easy here.

Writing is helping. It always does. Makes me feel less lonely that you all are reading at least some of this. I miss you all by the way.

I'll move my things into 119b Riverside West tomorrow. Thats gonna be my new home. I'm eventually going to put my P.O. Box address on here so you all can send me stuff. Ha. I don't thing you understand how happy it would make me to get mail from you...do you? pLeAse Do noT lIe.

7:30 is coming early.

But doesn't it always?

Doesn't change in general always come early?

"It's never been harder to fall,
There's nothing to grab
and there's all
I want to hold on to.
Just another sweep...
and it'll be fine.
But this carpet's got hills

and I can't see this helping at all."- The Early November

Whatever.

Bring it on life.

God help me.